I was supposed to be enjoying sound meditation for an hour, but there was a note on the door, they were on vacation. I had driven 30 minutes to get there, so I was determined to find another yoga studio. I went a few miles down the road and walked into @yogareclaimed530 and got the friendliest welcome ever. She said class starts in five minutes and handed me a mat (I didn't have one, because I was supposed to be lying on blankets in lucid sleep.)
I took the mat and started to walk in, and then she said, "oh you'll need this too..." I paused, "is it Bikram?" I asked, as I took the towel.
"No," she said. "But it's an intense 90 minute ashtanga flow."
It was too late; I had paid and had a foot in the door.
The room looked like a Lululemon convention, I started to panic that people would be head standing while I lay on the mat panting. I found a spot in the back, by the shoe bins.
The yogini next to me saw the look on my face and asked if I had been there before. I shook my head no, while trying to find a comfortable spot on my mat, she proceeded to give me encouragement, telling me I was brave, and reminded me I could always do variations.
But my internal voice was louder than hers, saying, “You are in way over your head.”
The class started unlike any other yoga I had been to, with beating drums and chants. I looked and around the room and started chuckling to myself, is this for real? Then, once again I felt that I was way out of my league, the translation internally being, “You aren’t good enough.”
My ankle was still recovered from it's Memorial weekend fracture, and I started to panic.
But what is good enough? And why do we allow our inner voice to dictate this sort of narrative?
Fear shapes our negative self talk, fear has a way of sinking itself in between the fibers of our being, claiming logic for survival. But fear, while intuitive, is more often used emotionally.
Fear is the place all excuses begin.
The fears we don't face, become our limits. - Robin Sharma
I know this. So I had to work consciously to let go of it.
This is where the work comes in. Fear disguises itself as being a rational thought used to protect us. But there is a big difference between intuition and fear. Fear is the negative self talk we listen to that tells us we can't, intuition is the guiding voice that tells us we shouldn't.
The only way to counter this internal voice, is to share with it a different idea. To have radical acceptance that you can.
This is the beauty of yoga, at some point you realize, it’s about you, and nothing but you. It’s about meeting yourself where you are at. The truth is the yogi’s around you are immersing themselves in their own practice, focus becomes truly self oriented.
As I rolled up into a three legged down dog hip opener, I reached behind for my foot, I found it, and continued to let go of negative thoughts, I felt my ankle hold the weight of my body, fearing it would give way and I would collapse. I repeated in my mind: breathe, focus, let go. My radical acceptance being, you are here and you can do this. There was no room for fear once I had committed to myself.
During Savasana, the instructor reminded us that we only use five percent of our conscious mind, that yoga taps into the subconscious, to let go of habitual thinking, to claim some of the power of the subconscious.
I'm so grateful for the experience I had that reminded me, I can claim my internal power by letting go of conscious fear.
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